A Dragon's Whimper

NOTE: Some mild spoilers to anyone to hasn’t seen the films.

I did not want to write this. I really didn’t.

When I heard that there was going to do U.S. remakes of the Swedish Millennium Trilogy, I was wary from the beginning. I have been a big fan of the films since they first came out. Admittedly, I have not had a chance to read the books yet but I could tell that the Swedish films were a swell adaptation of the source material. But as the media train continued to bombard with good news, such as decent casting and the fact that David Fincher would be directing, my interest was piqued, and I tried despite my reservations to keep a open mind. I finally had my chance to watch it this past Friday.

I fucking hated it.

If this is what is to be expected for the rest of the films, they will blemish my favorite film trilogy to date. Steig Larson is spinning in his grave for the incompetence that the filmmakers have done to his legacy.

But before I get to the numerous things they got wrong, let me talk about the few things that they got right.

1. Title Sequence
As film viewers know, one of the great things about home viewing is being able to fast forward through the first five minutes of the credits at the beginning of the movie. David Fincher’s previous film Se7en (1995) is one of the exceptions to the rule. Every time I watch that film, I watch the opening credits beginning to end because they are so brilliant. His version of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is no different. James Bond meets S&M to Trent Renzor’s cover of “Immigrant Song” the opening is a hyperkinetic force to be reckoned with. Unfortunately, its inclusion doesn’t fit with the film itself, which is basically a murder mystery potboiler.

2. Casting
I am not going to discuss Craig and Mara here because they are a negative I will discuss later. What I will discuss are the other actors that are used well. First and foremost, Christopher Plummer makes an excellent Henrik Vagner, who steely delivery masks decades of pain. Stellan Skarsgard pops up as Martin Vagner, the somewhat cheery brother of presumed murdered Harriet whose easygoing nature might hide more. Robin Wright is decent as Erika, Mikael’s editor and lover but she is given nothing to do, and Joely Richardson makes good work with the tricky Anita Vagner.

3. Cinematography
You got to give David Fincher one thing, he knows how to shoot a movie. The cinematography of the film is quite excellent, and having funds allowed Fincher to be expansive in scope when it came to showing the locales. However, just because you can do this doesn’t always mean it is a good idea to do so. Expansiveness can come at a price, in this case the feeling of claustrophobia the original had.

4. Trent Renzor’s score
Renzor worked with Fincher before in The Social Network and his stamp is all over this film. From the opening to the end, his music choices well suit the film.

5. I will never look at Enya the same way.
For those who seen the third act you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about.

So that’s what the film got right. Unfortunately, the easy part is over. Now I have to discuss the nuts and bolts of the NUMEROUS things this film got wrong. Where do I even begin…

1. The film is boring and long.

This is surprising, since the remake is about the same length as the Swedish theatrical cut. What zipped along without a care in the original has become bloated and exhausting. The ending of the movie drags on for a lot longer that it should like LOTR: Return of the King. The pacing of this film is all out of wack. Even the Swedish extended 3 hour cut doesn’t drag at all compared to this seemingly torturous long film.

2. The film is contrived.

This is also surprising given how much respect they seemed to have for the source material. The original was tightly plotted, and gave information and twists at just the right times. Here it comes across as spoon fed drivel. For example, Mikael’s daughter is the one who inadvertently gives him the break in a string of murders he is investigating after their brief visit together. Everything seems to tie into a sweet little bow in this film.

One of things I enjoyed about the originals was despite Mikael and Lisbeth being smart investigators, they still had to work for it. They fucked up and made mistakes. They made incorrect conclusions that almost cost them their lives on several occasions. The remake made everything too easy for them and by extension the audience.

3. Little investigation this time around.

For a film that is about investigating a 40 year old murder, there didn’t seem to be much investigating or research. Like the previous point acknowledged, everything seemed to fall into place way too easy. In the original, Mikael and Lisbeth actually had to travel a lot, look at murder scenes, and dig through countless files in order to make the connections. In the remake, it’s more like “hey dad here’s the meaning of the code about the murder girls; here’s the connection, oh this guy did it.” Fuck that.

4. Dainel Craig is horribly miscast.

I love Daniel Craig as an actor but seriously was he fucking asleep when he did this role? Craig seems have to no zest for part. He looks tired and defeated and forgot a key component to the character of Mikael Blomkist; his cocky swagger and his inability to lie down even after he was beaten to a pulp. Craig just looks tired and weary and not in a good way. Not to mention, you just can’t buy him as a journalist. Michael Nyqist was the perfect person his play him because he got it. Mikael is a guy who’s been the block a few times, he’s not superman, and usually gets his ass kicked. But he doesn’t back from a fight ever, and he doesn’t whine or complain when the going gets tough. Furthermore, he knows through his profession that words are the most powerful tools at his disposal. Another note, did anyone notice that Craig is never seen once even at the end, typing up work for an article? He’s a fucking journalist! Show it for God’s sake.

5. Rooney Mara is not the second coming of Christ

Okay, since no one has the balls to come out and say their opinion, let me help.

There is only one Lisbeth Salander and her name is N-O-O-M-I R-A-P-A-C-E.

Truthfully I felt bad for anyone who had to try and live up to the expectations of this character. To her credit, Mara was game and does a dare I say decent job. But one thing has to stop. The press has been fawning over her like mad about how great she was in the film, and how she made the character her own.

No she didn’t.

The only way to make it your own is be there first and best. And she wasn’t. I wouldn’t have this problem if this was the first iteration but the things she does differently DON’T WORK because they don’t fit with the psychology of the character. Mara plays her more as a girl who is acting out in several ways because of what has happened to her, but makes it seem like she wants to be normal. What Rapace did very well, was show that the life Salander had been dealt had shut her down so emotionally making it possibly unable she will ever recover. She trust few people, and can never fully open because of it. Mara wants us to believe that Lisbeth wants normalcy, wants a life with Mikael and it doesn’t fit, given what she has gone through. One exchange in the original sums this up pretty clear.

Mikael: I’ve told you everything about myself, and I still don’t know shit about you.
Lisbeth: That’s the way it has to be.

6. Rooney Mara and Daniel Craig have ZERO chemistry

One of the biggest things about the trilogy is the relationship between these two. It isn’t here. Nyqist and Rapace made their relationship seem plausible. In the remake comes off a bit creepy. Rapace and Nyqist at least look like a plausible older-younger romance. Considering they show Craig’s Mikael having a teenager daughter not much younger that Lisbeth, it just looks wrong. Furthermore, the relationship was about Lisbeth trying to reach out and connect with someone if only for a moment. The film maker’s choice to make Mara’s Lisbeth seem more like a lovesick teenager makes her come off as bratty and immature. Rapace’s Lisbeth shows that even she realizes their affair was most likely doomed from the beginning, as her own mother’s experiences had made her wary of ever getting close to anyone.

7. The tattoo sucks.

Small point here, but Mara’s dragon tattoo didn’t really do it for me. The tattoo is supposed to be an external reminder of the Lisbeth’s inner strength and rage. Mara’s was not really there.

8. The ending was weak sauce.

Spoiler alertish: One thing I hated that they change was Mikael didn’t go to prison for libel. He was fined heavily but had no jail time. That was important to the story, as it became a catalyst for Lisbeth on her own volition, to dig deep into the Verstromm CEO and find the information Mikael needed, and her willingness to be there for him.

Without it, there seems to be less punch with Mikael getting justice. Not to mention, the 10 minutes wasted to show that Lisbeth goes around posing as Verstromm employee to dump the accounts is less satisfying. The original got the point across in less a minute and did it better. By having Mara’s Lisbeth’s cleaning of the accounts be Westromm’s fall instead of Mikael’s very damning article cheapens the emotional and narrative impact of the story of one of the lead protagonists.

9. The plot was disjointed.

The film jumped and forth haphazardly between the two leads until they finally joined up. Even then, the pacing was all over the place and gave the film a choppy feel to it.

There is probably a point of two I did not cover, but this will have to do in showing my displeasure. I knew from the very beginning that remake was a bad fucking idea but I still went and tried to see it with impartial eyes. What I found was a boring, bloated, diluted for mass audience misfire. Once again proof of two things. One, just because you can, doesn’t mean you should, and two, more money does not make a better film.

Unfortunately, this remake has already made more than the original trilogy made in the U.S. combined. That is a truly sad fact. When it comes to their film consumption, if any, the majority of Americans are unwilling to go out of their comfort zone and see anything that is not in the English language. The “I don’t like to read subtitles” defense is one the most stupid and lazy arguments against watching foreign films. Hollywood has been accused of running out of ideas and this is a big reason for it. They no longer try because a majority of their audience is unwilling to look to the international market for other films. So they do not promote them heavily here and God forbid it is actually a good film, the U.S. studio system knows they can just buy the remake rights and bilk willing public of their money.

So to make my anger over this most clear let me say this: I am ashamed to have given David Fincher and company ten dollars of my money. It hurts to say it but it is the truth. I will not bother watching the further two in theatres or buying on video. Fincher and company will have to consider themselves lucky if I even bother illegally downloading these trepid pieces of shit. That is how strongly I feel about this.

Now I am just one voice, and probably a film elitist at that, but to those who know me know this; 9 times out of 10 I KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I’M TALKING ABOUT. I have seen A LOT of films in almost 25 years and I try to see the good in even average films. But if I think a movie sucks, it sucks. And having seen both version I can state unequivocally, THIS MOVIE BLOWS.

So if you my want my advice here it is. Don’t give your money to this film or the other two U.S. remakes. In fact, I want you save money and go and buy the Swedish originals, preferably the extended cuts for the material they put back is not fluff at all and actually expands the narrative in a positive manner. You should watch them the way they should be watched with two actors, Noomi Rapace and Michael Nyqist who did not worry about their fame or box office returns, and thus put their very essence into their performances. They come off as believable to the point you forget they are two actors playing parts. Rapace and Nyqist lived it, Craig and Mara are just playing dress up.

Until next time, fly high and fly well.